Myth or Fact: You Shouldn’t Talk About the Deceased to Avoid Causing Pain
Author, Melissa, with her son, Sean, and daughters, Cassandra and Haley.
As any griever knows, people want to help by saying something to lessen the pain of having lost someone you love. It has been my experience, and that of other grievers I have talked with, that we are often hurt by “comforting” words – and what we truly need is to be heard.
What hurts even more, at least for me, is when people avoid talking about my loved one. Sean’s death is so painful because he is no longer visible in my world. I can't see him, I can’t hear his voice and laughter, and I can't hug him – which hurts more than words can describe. Sean was an enormous part of my life and my soul, please don't try to erase him from my memory. The memory of him doesn't hurt although I may cry. It’s the fact that he isn't here anymore that causes my grieving. Let me talk about him and bring him up, and when I do, please don't change the subject. He was here and he mattered. Don't tell me, “I don't know how you feel,” and then fail to listen to me when I try to tell you. Please just listen, and if talking about him is painful for you, say so, tell me why. Let’s share these moments.
Our loved ones matter and it is never our goal to erase them from our memories. Never. I’ve become afraid that I will lose my memories of him so I need to talk about my boy. I need to talk about his humor, the sound of his voice, and the immeasurable love that I experienced every time he wrapped his huge arms around me and kissed the top of my head and said “I love my momma.” I need that more than anything else.
Yes, my son struggled with SUD and mental health issues, but that was just part of him. He was a whole human being who loved with all of his heart, risking heartbreak any chance he got. He was kind. He would see a human struggling and he would always offer a helping hand, even if he didn't like the person. He hated seeing people hurting.
He was hilarious. No matter what was going on or how mad we could be, Sean would always make us laugh. He could copy voices and accents with precision. He was an incredibly talented artist and mason. He was a tattoo artist and so many people walk this earth with his work on them. He was a gentle giant. The most loving man I have ever known.
Let me talk about all of it, even if I am sobbing, because I never want to forget that I had a son for 33 years. He mattered then and he matters now. It is not the memory of him that hurts, it’s the fear that he will be forgotten; that I will get older and time will pass and I won't be able to locate the sound of his voice in my memory bank, or recognize the scent of him when someone is wearing his brand of cologne. Just let me have all that he was and all that he contributed to my life and this world because he can no longer make more memories with us and this is what I have left of my precious son. Please listen to me talk about Sean, so that we don’t forget him.
