Listening to Grief: How to Help Someone Who Needs to be Heard (Part Two)
Part Two: Make Real Time
Grief support is not a sprint. Like a long-distance endeavor, it requires time and endurance.
If you intend to be an effective peer grief helper, it is vital to commit a substantial amount of your time to the person you are supporting.
A grieving person will usually share the basic elements of their circumstances during the first five or 10 minutes of an interaction. For example, they may share who or what they have lost, how the situation arose, and the immediate difficulties at hand.
Yet, it can take them longer to divulge the true essence of their suffering – the most difficult dynamics of their loss.
This can be attributed to a number of factors:
They may not have previously articulated the deeper significance of their loss. It is only through explaining their situation to you, that they come to recognize why they are so profoundly affected.
They may be reluctant to open up altogether, because they have not yet realized they are in a safe place, and that your concern is sincere.
They may not understand that you are capable of being present for their story for as long as it takes them to unburden themselves.
It is important that you gently yet clearly establish that you are there to listen for the duration of their story – that you are committed to spending a significant amount of your time with them.
You can impart this with statements such as:
“I have cleared my schedule for the duration of the morning/afternoon. I am here to listen.”
“You can share your story with me to whatever degree you are comfortable, but I am here to listen to everything. Nothing is off limits.”
“I realize you are in a difficult place and talking about loss is not easy. Please, take your time, try to relax, and start wherever you like.”
Regardless of how you communicate your availability to them, your sincerity is vital. If you are engaging in grief support with someone for the first time and you have another engagement in 30 minutes, pick one or the other.
Your choice in this regard should favor whichever situation is more dire. If you can reschedule a routine check-in with a colleague to help a griever who needs immediate support, that would be the optimal course of action.
At any rate, a reasonable amount of time for a session of listening to someone who is grieving should be a minimum of one hour. Understand that this could easily spill over into 90 or 120 minutes. As the conversation wraps up, you may learn more about the person’s struggles and concerns in the last 10 minutes than you did during the first 50 minutes.
This is indicative of the time/trust/comfortability ratio. The longer you spend with them, the easier they will open up to you and share difficult details of their struggle.
If you were to equate peer grief support to a restaurant, there would be no drive through window or takeout counter. It would be a sit down, multi-course establishment.
Your generosity with your time will be directly proportional to the effectiveness of your peer grief support.
