Listening to Grief: How to Help Someone Who Needs to be Heard

Part One: Ears Open, Mouth Shut

Grief is not a competition. One of the most helpful things you can do for a bereaved person is to avoid comparing their circumstances to yours. If you are going to offer a caring ear, exclude your story of loss from the conversation unless they ask.   

Holding Space

Consoling someone can be challenging, especially if you’re new to it. It is a manageable condition inherent to the territory, as long as your desire to help overrides your unease. Heightened emotions can cause you to want to talk too much as a way of diffusing the tension. You may not be aware of it, but left unchecked, you could accidentally hijack the conversation. 

When a grieving person opens up to you, the last thing they want to hear is another story of misfortune. It’s not that they don’t care about others, they simply can’t at this point, as all their attention and energy are focused on their loss. Be hyper-aware of your initial reaction to their story and offer a concise reply. It is important to offset the urge to talk by deep, even, deliberate breathing. It is also important to be mindful of your personal boundaries so that you don’t take on their trauma and distress. 

Steady Participation

When the natural flow of conversation allows it, offer quick assurances to the speaker that you are qualified to support them. You can say, “I understand why you are upset. Thanks for sharing this with me,” or “You must be devastated, my deepest condolences for your loss.” 

Once you have resisted talking about your own experience of loss, it is time to avoid the next verbal hazard; offering advice. Your role is not to try and solve a person’s grief for them by telling them what they should and shouldn’t do. Your role is to bear witness to their feelings as they unburden themselves by telling you what they are going through.  

Silent Medicine

The process of expressing inner turmoil to another person who cares, is in itself therapeutic. While being heard by someone with empathy and compassion won’t fix their misfortune, it allows the griever to break free from isolation. Once expressed, regardless of how bad the circumstances, the problems at hand can become less daunting to the person who is suffering. 

The crucial element is you, the listener. When you are fully present, undistracted, and non-interruptive – you can effectively support a grieving person. Silence is golden.