Listening to Grief: How to Help Someone Who Needs to be Heard (Part Three)

Part Three: Boundaries

Listening to someone who is coping with grief is one of the most effective forms of peer support. Establishing boundaries is an important part of addressing grief, for the wellbeing of both the peer supporter and the griever.

While grief can be overwhelming, it does not encapsulate the totality of a person’s identity – whether that person is you, or the one you are supporting. 

Empathizing with someone who is suffering does not require you to become tethered to their feelings and emotions.  

Know Your Role

When supporting someone who is immersed in loss, be mindful of the distinction between your support and their grief. It is helpful to quietly yet firmly establish your boundaries, so that you do not also become engulfed in grief. 

Your role is that of a guidepost, a lighthouse, a steadfast foundation where a griever can find their footing amid the storm. 

When someone who is emotionally overwhelmed comes to you for support, it is vital that you do not mirror their sorrow. If you take on their expressions of loss and pain – and thus their grief – support will not occur. 

Equilibrium

Effective peer grief support is like the interconnected symmetry of a yin/yang symbol. It is a harmony of opposites. You can meet them where they are at in terms of what they need to talk about. Yet, their degree of agitation will inform your level of calmness, their depth of confusion, your level of clarity, and so on. 

When peer support occurs between an empathetic listener and a griever, a balance is created. Your groundedness, even-tempered patience, and undivided attention should counterbalance the turbulence of their grief. 

Objective Compassion

Empathy is a crucial element of peer support. It is not easy, and it cannot be faked. Empathy requires sincerity and emotional availability. Yet the same accessibility that makes empathy genuine can also make you vulnerable. 

Absorbing another’s grief and inadvertently taking it on is best avoided through mindfulness. You can stay attuned to your role as a peer supporter through frequent reflection on your quietly yet firmly established boundaries. 

Maintain Balance

Once a support session with a griever has ended, it is important to take a few moments of mindfulness to mentally review their circumstances and make clear distinctions between their struggles and yours.       

These distinctions are reflections of your boundaries, and it is your responsibility to acknowledge and maintain them as a measure of self-care. In doing so, you can continue to provide effective peer grief support without becoming emotionally burned out in the process.